The League Makes Less Sense Every Week
By Kevin Gibson, Sports Fugitive
Another NFL Sunday is complete, which means millions of fans can now calmly and rationally evaluate what happened.
Or blame the officials, the head coach, the offensive coordinator, the defensive coordinator, the quarterback, the backup quarterback, the salary cap, the turf and the person who interrupted a crucial third down by asking whether anyone wanted nachos.
Kansas City survived Indianapolis 33–30 on Sunday night because apparently the Chiefs are contractually obligated to make every game unnecessarily dramatic before eventually winning it.
The Colts scored 30 points at Arrowhead, which normally would be enough to earn a victory, a celebratory flight home and perhaps a small parade. Against Kansas City, it merely earned them a front-row seat for the inevitable ending.
Elsewhere, Denver defeated Jacksonville 20–13. It was not always beautiful, but beauty is irrelevant in the standings. The Broncos got the victory, avoided the weekly national interrogation and gave their fans at least seven days without being told the entire franchise needs to be rebuilt.
That counts as progress.
The biggest surprise came in Atlanta, where Carolina flattened the Falcons 34–3. The Panthers did not merely win; they arrived, removed the furniture and changed the locks. Atlanta’s offence contributed three points, which is excellent if this were hockey and reasonably concerning in football.
Dallas defeated Washington 37–20, allowing Cowboys fans to resume planning the Super Bowl parade. This happens whenever Dallas wins a regular-season game. The parade route will remain mapped until the next disappointing loss, at which point everyone will be fired again.
San Francisco handled Miami 35–13, Seattle demolished Arizona 31–7 and Las Vegas beat the Chargers 26–14. The Chargers continue to demonstrate that talent, potential and positive preseason predictions are not technically reflected on the scoreboard.
The New England Patriots beat Pittsburgh 20–3. Pittsburgh’s offence produced one field goal, proving that technically it did cross midfield at some point. Somewhere, an exhausted Steelers fan is still explaining that the defence simply needs to score more.
Green Bay escaped with a 20–17 victory over the Jets. That is the sort of game the Packers will describe as showing character, while the Jets will describe it using several words unavailable in a family publication.
New Orleans went into Baltimore and won 24–17, while Cleveland edged Tampa Bay 23–19. Cincinnati held Houston to six points in a 20–6 victory, giving Texans supporters ample opportunity to admire their punter.
Minnesota defeated Chicago 9–3 in a game apparently transported directly from 1937. No touchdowns, very little offence and six combined field goals would have made this an instant classic had television not introduced the forward pass.
Philadelphia held off Tennessee 24–20, and Buffalo beat Detroit 41–31 on Thursday night in a game featuring the radical strategy of scoring points.
The weekend’s final game has the Giants visiting the Rams on Monday night. Nothing says prime-time television quite like waiting all weekend to discover whether the Giants can make a functioning offence appear on national television.
What did we learn?
Kansas City remains Kansas City. Denver took care of business. Carolina can apparently become a wrecking ball without warning. Dallas is once again going to the Super Bowl—just ask Dallas—and the NFL remains the only league where we spend six days developing firm conclusions that become completely useless by halftime Sunday.
Perfect.
That is why we will all be back next week.
You Called Down the Thunder.